Pain

Why are you cast down, O my inner self? And why should you moan over me and be disquieted within me? (Psalm 43:5a)

Do not define yourself by your expectations. Life is full of change–that’s the only thing that’s certain. So protect your dream, but don’t let it limit you. (Corrine Bailey Rae)

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Pain happens. It’s not a cut and clear, black and white issue. Most of the time I can attribute the source of my pain to something outside of me. And I could blame April. Or grief or changes, but it’s not easily defined. It pokes at me. Pinches me. Punches me, and pushes me down.

Unsought tears. A lump in my throat, a warm ache. A desire to climb back into some dark cave, and curl up for a little more sleep. I wonder if a seed feels this way, when the soil thaws, and rain soaks down around its kernel of life. I wonder if it cries, “Ouch!” when it’s thin skin begins to stretch and crack and dry out.

The blind seed can’t see that a green sprout pokes out causing this undefined pain.

I feel like a blind seed, uncertain what to do about this sudden pang of sadness.

So, I collage. It takes my mind off the ache.

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And the process of gluing disparate pieces of imagery and color together, take me through passages of lament and release, and finally an acceptance, even a desire to let April have its way with me.

Ode to April

April warms and thaws,
and yet has the audacity
to plunge back into
winter’s chill.

April branches reaching
alternately into
blue and gray skies,
straining to unfurl leaves.

April leaves promising
shade on those long
forgotten, humidly hot days,
when once again I plead:

April, bring back your
chilly, sweater born days.

What is your ode to April?

 

6 thoughts on “Pain

  1. Kel, just love your creativity through it all…we are soul sisters…I feel with you…I have been struggling along with April to find Spring’s emergence. Yet, lately only the reminders of death seem to linger in my mind. We lost one of our fur babies while on my Social Media break, and somehow the slipping on of time and lack of life’s pause to mourn her with me, has left me with a bunch of painful memories..He is still that bright ray of sun…I think I should just write this in a poem now, while you have me ruminating. Love the collage(es). Talk soon! HUgs.

    1. Dawn- It’s so good to know we are in this struggle together…I am sorry to hear of the loss of your sweet kitty. I look forward to your ode to April and Spring and Lost Loves!

  2. Thanks Kel, this really ministered to me today! It spoke to me of God bringing pain to birth something beautiful and new in me and I do not like the pain but I have the promise that He is working it through me to sprout His new life in me. I will sprout something beautiful and eternally good through this pain! Love your writing and your poem! Love, Marijo

    1. Marijo- I look forward to seeing what God births in you through this pain. Love you and wish I could erase every pain that we face, but God does have His goodness infused into the pain. Hugs-Kel

  3. Kel:
    I am having muscular pain today. Lately, I have been feeling the blues due to the ‘liquid sunshine’ we have been receiving. Two days ago, we had snow. I looked out yesterday morning before I left for church to see the snow had melted and the street and yards were clear,
    Since I have been home, I notice my ankle at least gets tight when it is cold. When it rains, my leg really gives me pain. I have been lazy during these days. I managed to get some writing done the end of last week. I spoke to a man at church who underwent two back surgeries this past winter. He feels the same way about this rainy season.

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